The Silver Linings Playbook Chapter 9

If I Backslide Knowing that if I wear the wrong thing, Veronica will say I have ruined her night – the way she did that one time when I wore Bermuda shorts and sandals to a dress-up dinner – I can't stop thinking about what I am going to wear to her dinner party, so much that I don't even remember it's Friday, and therefore, time to see Dr. Patel, until Mom calls down in the middle of my workout, saying, â€Å"We're leaving in fifteen minutes. Hit the shower!† In the cloud room, I pick the brown chair. We recline, and Cliff says, â€Å"Your mother tells me you've had quite a week. Want to talk about it?† So I tell him about Veronica's dress-up party and how my old dress clothes don't fit because I have lost so much weight, and I have no swanky clothes other than the shirt my brother has recently given me, and I am pretty stressed out about going to a dinner party and wish I could just spend some time alone with Ronnie lifting weights, so that I would not have to see Veronica, who even Nikki says is a mean person. Dr. Patel nods a few times like he does, and then says, â€Å"Do you like the new shirt your brother gave you? Do you feel comfortable wearing it?† I tell him I absolutely love my new shirt. â€Å"So wear that one to the dress-up dinner, and I'm sure Veronica will like it too.† â€Å"Are you sure?† I ask. â€Å"Because Veronica is really particular about what you should wear to dinner parties.† â€Å"I'm sure,† he says, which makes me feel a whole lot better. â€Å"What about pants?† â€Å"What's wrong with the pants you have on now?† I look down at the tan khakis my mom purchased for me at the Gap the other day because she says I shouldn't wear sweatpants to my doctor's appointments, and even though the pants are not as swanky as my new Eagles jersey, they do look okay, so I shrug and stop worrying about what to wear to Veronica's dinner party. Cliff tries to get me to talk about Kenny G, but I only close my eyes, hum a single note, and silently count to ten every time he says Mr. G's name. Then Cliff says he knows that I have been rough with my mother, shaking her in the kitchen and knocking her down in the attic, which makes me really sad because I love my mom so much and she rescued me from the bad place and has even signed all those legal documents – and yet I cannot rightly deny what Cliff has said. My chest heats up with guilt until I can't take it. Truth be told, I break down and cry – sobbing – for at least five minutes. â€Å"Your mother is risking a lot, because she believes in you.† His words make me cry even harder. â€Å"You want to be a good person, don't you, Pat?† I nod. I cry. I do want to be a good person. I really do. â€Å"I'm going to up your meds,† Dr. Patel tells me. â€Å"You might feel a little sluggish, but it should help to curb your violent outbursts. You need to know it's your actions that will make you a good person, not desire. And if you have any more episodes, I might have to recommend that you go back to the neural health facility for more intensive treatments, which – â€Å" â€Å"No. Please. I'll be good,† I say quickly, knowing that Nikki is less likely to return if I backslide into the bad place. â€Å"Trust me.† â€Å"I do,† Dr. Patel replies with a smile.